A Hogwarts Carol
by Charmed Ravenclaw
Summary: From the totally insane authors who brought you 50 Wrongs for Prongs in a Date and Hogwarts Idol comes the new smash hit A Hogwarts Carol! Follow budding directors Charmy and Chicka as they try to hold their mess of a play together while keeping their ma
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey! This is Charmed Ravenclaw and SuperiorDancerChick here. This is a joint story which we have decided to write, and we hope you enjoy it!  
Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter, A Christmas Carol, KFC, Barry Trotter or dogs that play the piano. Thank you.**

Two budding wizard-play directors, Charmy and Chicka, rushed along a street towards their theatre. Today they were holding auditions for their new sure-to-be smash hit movie/play: A Hogwarts Carol. As they ran, Chicka cursed under her breath, "We're late, we're late, we're very, very late!"

Charmy scowled. "I told you we shouldn't have stopped for that dog playing the piano!"

"How many dogs do you see playing the piano?" Chicka said. They rounded the corner to find….

The theatre deserted. It was so empty that even the tumbleweed decided to tumble somewhere less lonely. Only two people anxiously awaited their arrival. One was Snape, who had been kicked out of the auditions next door. The other was Ron, who was confused.

"What! Only two people! This can't be happening! Pinch me!" SDC shrieked and closed her eyes tight. Charmy pinched her hard. "Ow! Not that hard!"

"You asked me to pinch ya, I pinched ya," she replied. Chicka looked back at the sign. It clearly read 'A Hogwarts Carol: Auditions Here!' "Doesn't anyone else want to audition?"

"Yeah, it's so isolated. Even the crickets aren't here to chirp!" Charmy commented. Nothing happened. Not a peep or a sound. She raised her voice, "I said: **Even the crickets aren't here to chirp!**" The crickets came back from their coffee break and rushed up at their cue. Soon the abandoned atmosphere was filled with the sound of crickets. "There we go! I don't feel so lonely now there are crickets. Now, what are we gonna do?"

Chicka looked over her shoulder. "Wait here. I have an idea."

"What? I can't hear you over the crickets! Jeez, can you pipe down guys?" Charmy yelled at the crickets.

Chicka took no notice and walked over to the auditions for The Barry Trotter Movie and saw a long queue. She went up to them and said, "How would you like to act in a play by a nutter called Charmy and me, the ever so gorgeous Chicka, called 'A Hogwarts Carol'?"

"Nah. I wanna act in Barry Trotter."

"No thanks."

"What's a carol?"

"Listen buddy," Chicka walked right up to Harry and pressed one finger against his chest. "You're gonna act in act play whether you like it or not."

"What's gonna happen if I say no?"

"YOU'RE GONNA ACT IN OUR PLAY!" Chicka screamed. All the other actors backed off and agreed. Draco even wet himself.

Ten minutes later….

"Hey, that's a big turnout," Charmy commented. "Where did you get all these people?"

"They were all just waiting in the wrong queue. Right guys?" Chicka said sweetly.

"Yes ma'am," they all nodded, slightly scared.

"Right, let's get started then!" Charmy said, walking inside the theatre.

"Alright!" Chicka said.

Once they had set up inside the theatre, they let in the first actor. It was Snape.

"Hi Professor!" Charmy smiled, falsely optimistic. "What part are you here to audition for?"

"Scrooge," Snape answered.

"Oooookay," Chicka said. "So why do you want this part?"

"Because the Barry Trotter people said I was _'too evil'_. Hah! I'll show them! Ahahahahaha!" Snape cried manically.

"Well, he has a good evil laugh," Charmy pointed out.

"Yeah, definitely," Chicka agreed. "So, Professor, could you recite some lines then please?"

"Of course: Bah, humbug! Christmas is stupid! Never give to the poor! I hate everything! Bah!" Snape recited, his voice full of menace. He added "If you don't give me the part, you'll get double detention in potions!"

"Whoa. Ok, thanks Professor, we'll call you back later, just wait outside for now," Charmy smiled innocently and pointed at a door labelled 'Rejects'. "Uh, don't mind the sign; it's supposed to say…um…. 'Hopefuls'! We've been meaning to get it changed. Right, Chicka?"

"Oh, yeah, yeah, what she said!" Chicka replied, nodding vigorously. Snape walked dejectedly out the door. "Next!" called Charmy and Chicka.

Ron was the next person to audition. "Hi Ronald!" Chicka said.

"It's RON!" he bellowed.

"Right, yes, Ron. So what part are you auditioning for?" Charmy asked.

"The ghost of Christmas past. I have a little scene prepared, if you want me to do it," he replied.

"Excellent! We'll read in the other characters. Carry on," Chicka and Charmy said. Ron pulled out a page of script and began to read: "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past."

_"What business has brought you here?"_

"Your welfare."

_"A night's unbroken rest might aid my welfare." _

"Your salvation then. Take heed. Come."

_"I beg you, Spirit... I am mortal and liable to fall."_

"No, you dork, you're a wizard, come on, get moving!"

"Is that it?" Chicka asked.

"Yes. What did you think?" Ron looked eager.

"Fantastic. You got the part!"

"Really? Thank you!" Ron jumped about the stage in excitement.

"Yeah. Just one more thing…"

Ron stopped jumping. "What?"

"Can you fly?" Chicka asked.

"Well, no…" Ron admitted, looking upset.

"I'm sorry but the Ghost of Christmas Past HAS to be able to fly," Charmy pointed out.

"I'll learn! I'll learn! Please! It's my dream to be in a movie!" Ron pleaded.

"But you already are in a movie. Four of them!" Charmy argued.

"That wasn't me! That was some git who isn't even half as handsome as me! Ahem. I mean, what I meant to say was 'It's my dream to be in a movie/play directed by you two!" Ron said.

"Really? Aw, Ron how sweet! You're in!" Charmy and Chicka were totally flattered. Happily, they yelled 'NEXT!"

Hermione walked onto the stage. "What part are you applying for Hermione?" Chicka asked.

"I would like to be the narrator," she said, looking very important.

"Sure, can you recite something for us?" Charmy asked.

"Of course! I've studied Charles Dickens novels, read up on acting and stage performance, done some theatrical work, had a crack at writing my own play, searched the library for all sorts of play books, I even wrote a special assignment-"

"Um, actually never mind, you can have the part!" Chicka interrupted, looking slightly alarmed.

"Oh yay!" Hermione cried and did a happy little dance.

"Next!" Charmy said.

Draco was the next to enter the theatre. "I want to be the ghost of Christmas Present," he declared.

"And why do you want this part?" Charmy asked.

"Because she yelled at me!" he sobbed, pointing at Chicka.

Charmy whacked her upside the head. "You said that they were in the wrong line! Didn't I tell you not to yell at the actors? The last time you did that they wound up in therapy!"

Chicka pouted. "It was that or do the whole play with Ron and Snape!" she said.

Charmy ignored her and turned to Draco. "So you don't really want this part then?"

"Well, no. I want stardom!" he flung his arms into the air to emphasize his point. A vase fell over and smashed on his head.

"Ok, great, well you can be an extra," Charmy said before he could break anything else.

"What? No! I want to be the staaaaaaar!" he wailed, breaking into sobs.

"Uh, too bad, never mind. Next!" Charmy signalled the security guards to get him off the stage.

"Mummy! They won't let me have the part!" Draco cried as they dragged him off.

As Charmy and Chicka awaited their next applicant, they heard scuffling outside. Suddenly Trelawney and Firenze burst into the room. "I want to be the Ghost of Christmas Future!" they both shouted at the same time.

"Ok, well. Shall we have a little test?" Chicka suggested.

"A test?" Charmy asked.

"Yes. Let's see who is better at future-gazing!" Chicka said.

Charmy shook her head. "I foresee that nothing good is gonna come out of this."

"Ok. Ask me anything! I can see the future!" Trelawney yelled.

"Whatever," Firenze muttered.

"Ok, um…Will our play be successful?" Chicka asked.

"Yes!" yelled Trelawney, hoping to suck up to the directors.

"No!" yelled Firenze, seeing the truth.

"Ok, next question, really tough one here: What day will it be tomorrow?" Charmy asked.

"Tuesday!" Firenze shouted.

"Wednesday!" Trelawney shrieked.

"Wrong!" Charmy and Chicka chorused. "It's Thursday!"  
Chicka looked at her watch. "We'd better hurry this up, it's nearly lunchtime already."

"Yeah, I have a big bucket of KFC and some Cockroach Clusters to chow down. Mmm, KFC. Ok, since Trelawney was closest-"

"-and she says our play will be successful-"

"-we have decided to give her the part." Charmy said. Trelawney whooped loudly. Firenze gave the directors a sour look and said, "You two just have prejudice against centaurs, don't you?"

"No! What? Of course not!" Chicka stuttered.

Firenze took no notice. "All my life I have wanted to be a star, but no, in the school plays they always said, 'No! You can't play Little Red Riding Hood, but you can play the back of a horse!'" And with that Firenze fled the building.

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were the next to audition. "We want to try out for Bob and Emily Cratchit," Mrs Weasley explained, giggling nervously.

"With me as Bob Cratchit, obviously," Mr. Weasley added.

"Yes, we figured, so anyway, why do you want this part?" Chicka inquired.

"Well, we heard that Ron was auditioning, so we thought we'd have a go too," Mr. Weasley explained.

"Ok, what have you got for us today?" Charmy asked.

"Um, well we hadn't prepared anything really…can't you just give us the part? I mean, no one else wants it," Mrs. Weasley said.

"You sure?" Charmy asked. She went outside and yelled, "Is anyone else here auditioning for the part of Mr. and/or Mrs. Cratchit?" No one gave any sign that they were going for that part. This crickets chimed in on time... for once. "Ok then. Thanks for your time!" Charmy yelled and went back inside. "You're right; no one else wants the part. It's yours!"

Arthur and Molly thanked Chicka and Charmy and headed out of the theatre to tell Ron their good news.

"Next!" called Chicka.

Thunder clashed and lightning flickered outside, even though it was a clear day, as Lord Voldemort entered the theatre. "I shall be Scrooge!" he announced.

"Well, that's nice, but we've already given the part to Snape." Chicka told him. Snape reappeared upon hearing this. "You did? YES!" Snape yelled, and began a strange kind of victory dance. Meanwhile, Voldemort was dumbstruck.

"What? But I'm more evil!" Voldemort screamed. Chicka attempted to calm the evil warlord down. "Now, now, Voldemort, Snape got the part fair and square. We just think he looks more evil than you."

"What! He looks more evil than me! That's impossible! I have spidery fingers, pale flesh, super skinny stature, no hair and red eyes! How can you choose him over me!"

"Because I have long luxurious black hair," Snape waved his hair around, flicking grease everywhere. Everyone wiped the greasy gunk off themselves. "And I also have black tunnel-like hollow eyes, a hooked nose and a pale complexion. You can't deny who's more stereotypically evil. I even look like a bat with my billowing robes. It was a pity they didn't hire me for Batman."

"That's because Batman is a superhero with strength," Charmy pointed out. "You sir, have no strength." She lifted one of Snape's sleeves to reveal a weak arm.

"Well that's not the point! I basically turned into an inhuman freak for nothing!" And with that Voldemort stormed out of the building.

"Well that settles that. Next!" Chicka said. Professor McGonagall strode on to the stage.

"Which part are you going for?" Charmy asked.

"The Scrooge's girlfriend in his memories," she announced.

Charmy and Chicka looked at her. Finally, Chicka broke the silence.

"Er, I'm sorry but we just can't give you that part."

"Why?" McGonagall's temper flared.

"Because you're too, well, _old_," Charmy attempted to say gently. ZAP! She was replaced with a possum.

"That'll teach you to insult me," McGonagall said.

"Well, what we mean to say is that, well, we need someone younger to play the part," Chicka said anxiously. She glanced at Charmy the possum. She was chewing on one of her toenails. She seemed to have gone a little dumber while she was transfigured, which was no good at all, because as stupid as Charmy was even when she was human, Chicka still needed her help to run the play.

"Well that's not fair! I mean, look at the man who's going to play my boyfriend!" Professor McGonagall shrieked and pointed at Snape who wasn't too far away.

"Hey!" Snape exclaimed.

"Well it's a general rule that all the women in the play have to be young and good-looking in order to lure and attract male audiences," Chicka explained. "I apologise that your boyfriend is about to played by a mean old goon - "

"Hey!" Snape scowled.

"– but that's just the way it is."

"Well fine then!" Professor McGonagall said and stalked off. Chicka looked at Charmy. She was still a possum.

"Next!" she yelled.

Professor Flitwick came in. "Hello Professor! What are you auditioning for today?" Chicka asked him.

"I want to be Scrooge's employer, in his memories," Flitwick explained. Chicka looked uncertainly at Charmy the possum, who continued to chew her toenail. Flitwick noticed the possum and said "Why is there a possum sitting on that chair next to you?"

"Oh, uh, nothing to worry about, Professor McGonagall wasn't very happy because we didn't give her a part," Chicka explained.

Flitwick said, "Um, ok. Shall I recite some Shakespeare?"  
"Ok," Chicka replied.

Putting on a girly voice, Flitwick said: "Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?" Then, in a deeper voice he quoted, "To be, or not to be, that is the question."

Chicka was impressed. "The part's yours!"

"Thank you, girls. Oh, and that essay on Cheering Charms is due Monday!" he reminded them. Chicka groaned. Charmy looked up from her toenail. "Next!" Chicka called.

A young woman stepped onto the stage.

"Hi, I've never seen you before. Who are you and what part are you going for?" she asked.

"I'm going for the part of the Scrooge's girlfriend and my name is Minerva McGonagall," she purred.

"McGonagall?" Chicka repeated and looked her up and down. "Is that you Professor?"

"Yes. You said I was too old in the last audition and now I've taken some youth potion. What do you think of me now?"

Chicka glanced back at Charmy and said, "As long as you change Charmy back into a human being you can have the part."

"Very well." ZAP! Charmy reappeared as human.

"Get that toenail out of your mouth!" Chicka snapped. Charmy spat it out. "Ok Professor you can leave. Next!"

Luna Lovegood entered. "Hello," she said dreamily.

"Hi! What part are you here to try out for?"

"Tiny Tim," she answered.

"Tiny Tim?" Chicka echoed.

"Yes, what's wrong with that?" Luna said.

"Nothing. It's just that, you know, you're a girl," Charmy observed.

"You noticed," Luna muttered.

"What was that?" Charmy asked.

"Oh nothing. Do I get the part?" Luna asked.

"We will have to talk it over," Charmy said, dragging Chicka outside by her sleeve. "Hey! Hey! Stop that! Ow!" Once outside they looked down the decreasing line of people. "Are any of you trying out for Tiny Tim?" Charmy asked. When no one answered she prompted, "Anyone? Anyone at all?" Still nothing. "Please! Somebody! Does anyone at all want to change their mind?" Three people shrugged and left the queue. "Great move," Chicka grumbled sarcastically. They were forced to go back inside. "Well, Luna we have no choice – ahem, I mean, we are delighted to – give you the part," Chicka said.

"Thank you! I might get to make some friends now…" she drifted off.

"She is so weird," Charmy said.

"Tell me about it," Chicka replied.

Bam! Charmy and Chicka turned to see the stage door on the floor. Behind the hole was...

"Sorry 'bout that," Hagrid said. Chicka and Charmy watched, wide-eyed, as Hagrid lifted the door and set it back into place. "Um, hi, Hagrid!" Chicka said. "What can we do for you today?"

"I wan' to audition fer the part o' Ghost of Christmas Presen'" Hagrid said in his deep rumbling voice.

"Oh boy," Charmy murmured. Chicka, on the other hand, thought it was a great idea.

"We think you'd be great for the part! Don't we, Charmy?" Chicka elbowed Charmy in the ribs.

"Uh, yeah, sure!" Charmy exclaimed with mock enthusiasm.

"Great. Thanks!" Hagrid pulled the door off of its hinges again. "Oops. Sorry 'bout that."

"What did you do that for?" Charmy grumbled.

"To annoy you," Chicka responded, poking her tongue out. Just as Charmy was about to find something large to hit Chicka with, there was a loud POP and Fred and George apparated onto the stage. "Boo!" they yelled. Startled, Charmy and Chicka shrieked and fell off their seats. "Do you think we'll make good Marley brothers then? We obviously scared you," Fred said.

Climbing back onto her chair, Charmy said, "Why do you want this part?"

"Well, mostly to annoy Percy; he says Mr. Crouch doesn't approve of plays. But also so we can get on TV!" George told her.

"Ok, good enough for us!" said Chicka, who didn't like Percy very much either. With that, Fred and George disapparated away.

Through the hole that had once been the door, Dumbledore walked in.

"Hello Professor!" Charmy and Chicka chorused.

"Hello. I would like to try out for the part of Scrooge's Headmaster from the past," Dumbledore stated.

"Sure! Could you read some lines from the script for us please?" Charmy explained.

"This is the scene where Scrooge is graduating, and you are giving him some last minute advice on life," Chicka told him.

Dumbledore nodded and began:

"Stand up. Build your life as this school is built. Ah, yes! Work hard, work long and be constructive. Ebenezer, life is a golden opportunity. Today you go forth into the real world."

"He's good!" Chicka whispered to Charmy.

"Yeah, let's give him the part," she said.

"Ok!"

"Professor, we are delighted to tell you that you have the part!" Charmy said. Dumbledore looked pleased. "Thank you!"

"Next!" the directors yelled.

Harry came onto the stage. "Are you the last person?" Chicka asked.

"Yes," Harry replied.

"Good! We can go and eat after this!" Chicka exclaimed. Harry coughed.

"Oh, sorry Harry. What part are you auditioning for?" Charmy asked.

"Scrooge's nephew," Harry said. "But before you do my audition, can I put Ginny's name forward to be my wife? She's busy today, so she asked me to ask you."

"Well, sure, why not?" Chicka shrugged. Charmy nodded.

"Great. Anyway, why do you want to audition for your part?" Chicka questioned him.

"Because they kicked me out of the Barry Trotter auditions! They want NEVILLE! NEVILLE! To play Barry! How DARE they! I'M the great Harry Potter!" Harry yelled, looking outraged.  
"Ok, you got the part. But, just one more thing-" Harry, who had been in the middle of a cartwheel, crashed to the floor and stared at Chicka, "-Snape is Scrooge."

"I'm going to be related to Snape? Nooo!" Harry wailed.

"I'm going to be related to Potter? Nooo!" Snape cried, appearing again upon hearing his name mentioned.

"They're going to be related? Nooo!" James Potter yelled.

"Eh? What one earth are you doing here?" Charmy asked, looking confused.

"I came back to audition as a part of one of Snape's bad memories. Anything to torture Snivelly!"

"Erm, but there's just one itsy bitsy problem." Chicka said.  
"What's that?"

"You're dead." Charmy and Chicka pointed out.

James snorted. "That's just a little problem. We can work through that."

"How? You can't pick up objects!" Charmy protested.

"We'll see how it works out."

"Uh, sure…we'll leave that to you," Chicka said. James nodded and disappeared.

Harry was now throwing a tantrum in the middle of the stage. "First they kick me out of Barry Trotter-" he shouted, pounding on the ground, "-then they make me related to-to-to SNAPE!" he cried, and burst into tears. Chicka signalled for the security guards to remove him from the theatre before he broke anything valuable.

"Right, let's go home!" Charmy said.

"Ok!" Chicka agreed and they locked up the theatre. Suddenly Seamus Finnegan came running towards them. "Wait! I want to audition! Please!"

"I'm sorry, the auditions are finished. I think Barry Trotter's still going though. With our fantastic play being just around the corner, their business has been pretty bad today," Chicka explained, smirking. Charmy whacked her again and said to Seamus: "Look, we're sorry, but all the main parts are taken. You'll have to be an extra."

Seamus considered. "Oh, alright."

"Excellent! See you tomorrow!" Charmy said. She and Chicka hurried off down the road, desperate to leave before any other late wannabes ambushed them.

A/N: Well, we hope you enjoyed it! Stay tuned for chapter two and check out our other stories on Harry Potter Fan Fiction! Reviews appreciated very much!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Charmy and Chicka here! Probably about time we updated and we hope you enjoy. Don't forget a review!**

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately, A Christmas Carol belongs to Charles Dickens and Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, so that leaves Chicka and I with nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch.**

Charmy and Chicka arrived at the theatre the next day to find all the actors waiting around tapping their feet impatiently.

"We've been here for half an hour! What took you so long?" Snape shouted when he spotted the two directors.

Charmy rolled her eyes and pointed at Chicka. "**She **made me stand around and watch some lame rabbit in a top hat dance."

"But they said it was an once-in-a-lifetime show! How could we miss it?" Chicka pouted.

"It wasn't even dancing! You could even see the guy pulling the strings!" Charmy argued.

Chicka looked ready to retort when Harry shouted, "Will you two stop arguing? Some of us have more important things to do!"

"Like what?" Charmy said derisively "Beg for the Barry Trotter people to give you the part of Barry?"

Harry looked around nervously "Um, no..."

"Harry! I'm so happy you got me the part!" Ginny interrupted and hugged him, so tightly that he could barely breathe. Deep down inside, Harry was thinking, _"Nuts! Why did I ask to give her the part? I just dumped her!"_

"Okay then, first thing is first," Chicka said. "Fred! George! Come here!"

"What?"

"Come here!"

"What?"

"Come here!"

"What?"

"Come here, or I will rip out your throats with a toothpick!"

"OK," they said meekly and came over.

"It appears there has been a mix up with the scripts," Charmy said. "Chicka here, got the idea to do this movie from watching Sesame Street – "

"No it wasn't! It was the Muppets!"

"Oh well, same thing!"

"No it's not!" Chicka protested.

"Shut up! Anyway, there are no Marley brothers – there is only one Marley in the play. Unfortunately one of you shall have to resign from that part," Charmy explained.

"What? So one of us will have to quit? What will happen to them?" Fred asked.

"Er… they can play stunt double," Chicka said.

"Ooh, stunt double," George mused.

"That ought to be fun. You get to jump off buildings and smash into walls and stuff," Fred agreed.

"Er, great! So that's fine between you two then?" Chicka asked.

"Yeah sure," they said.

"Which one will be the stuntman?" Chicka asked.

"I will!" they cried.

"Nuh uh, I will." Fred shoved George.

"No way!"

"Uh huh!"

"Well that went a lot easier than I thought," Charmy whispered behind the twins' backs while they were arguing.

"Yeah, they are such idiots! We don't even need a stuntman!" Chicka said. Little did she know that the Weasley twins were using their extendable ears.

"Hey Fred, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" George asked.

"Yep," Fred said. "That miniskirt looks terrible on Hermione's as – "

"Ewe, you were checking out our little brother's girlfriend's butt – Whoa! That does look terrible."

Whilst the Weasley brothers were discussing Hermione's buttocks, Charmy and Chicka looked over their script for problems. That was when they discovered they needed a priest.

"What are we gonna do?" Chicka asked, surveying the actors milling around the theatre. None of them looked remotely holy.

"I'll do it!" Malfoy cried for a chance of fame.

Charmy and Chicka exchanged glances. It was looking bleak.

"None of them will make a good priest! We're doomed!" Charmy cried emphatically, sinking to her knees.

"Jeez, calm down! I've got an idea!" Hermione levitated a light bulb above Chicka's head. "Let's go grab some random priest-like dude from the street!"

They went outside to scope out a priest-like dude. They managed to find one quickly outside of a church.

_"You, how would you feel playing the priest in our play?" Charmy asked._

_"But I am a priest – "_

_"Well too bad, you're gonna play the part anyway," Chicka said and snatched him up, unaware he didn't protest in the first place. 'This girl must be possessed by the Devil!' the priest thought. He began to struggle furiously against Chicka. _

Okay. It was now nearly night and the first part of the play was going to be put into action. Needless to say, there was high excitement running in the air.

"Our movie is gonna be SO much better than that third Harry Potter movie. What was the director? Alfonzie Curious or something?"

"Who cares? All I know is that it won't have that guy in that movie who plays me!" Ron exclaimed. "His hair looks terrible."

"I'm so excited about this movie that I could almost wet myself!" Draco Malfoy squealed.

"_Almost_ wet yourself?" Harry asked questioningly and looked down at Draco's crotch.

"Come on people! Places, places. Ew, Draco, find some clean pants! All right. Lights!" Charmy shouted.

"Camera!" Chicka said.

"Actio – " Fzzz! The lights went out. After a light technician came in and fixed the problem, Chicka said, "Lights!"

"Camera!"

"Action!"

The curtains swung open to reveal Snape. One audience member screamed.

"It's the Hunchback of Notre Dame!"

"No, that's Scrooge."

"Oh. Well this fellow certainly is ugly enough to play the part."

Snape remained standing there, undaunted. Hermione began to read:

"Marley was dead. Well, seeing as he was no longer breathing, of course he was dead. You don't need signed papers to know you're dead – "

"What are you doing?" Chicka whispered tensely.

"I'm changing the script. No one here is going to understand the language of the nineteenth century – "

"That's not the point! Stick to the script!"

"No!"

Bump! Thump! Crack! Ouch! Could be heard through the speakers. Several members of the audience exchanged curious glances. The curtains were quickly shut on Snape's face and Charmy stepped onto the stage.

"Er, we're experiencing technical difficulties –"

"Oh fine, I'll stick to the bloody script!" Hermione shouted. The curtains were quickly pulled back and the play was about to recommence. Charmy was still stuck onstage.

"Er…" was all she said and stood there for an awkward moment or too, then quickly scurried off it. Hermione continued to read:

"…_The firm was known as Scrooge and Marley_… Blah, blah, blah… nobody cares about this bit…ah, here we go: _But a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone was Scrooge! A squeezing, covetous old sinner! The cold within him froze his old features, nipped his pointed noise, shrivelled his cheek, stiffened his gait; made his eyes red, his thin lips blue_."

Snape did look very cold on stage indeed. But no one else knew that was because the air-conditioner broke and was running on the level of 'Antarctic Storm'.

"_Nobody ever stopped him in the street to say, with gladsome looks, "My dear Scrooge, how are you? When will you come to see me?" No beggars implored him to bestow a trifle, no – _Ah screw it, you get the picture! He was mean and nobody liked him! Anyway, let's get to the beginning of the story, shall we?"

Before Chicka could run up and interfere with the script reading, the set changed and Snape sat behind a counter while Hermione continued to read – properly, this time.

"_Once upon a time – of all the good days in the year, upon Christmas Eve – old Scrooge sat busy in his counting house-house. The door of Scrooge's counting-house was open that he might keep his eye upon his clerk, who in a dismal little cell beyond was copying letters. Scrooge had a very small fire, but the clerk's fire was so very much smaller that it looked like one coal. But he couldn't replenish it, for Scrooge kept the coal-box in his own room; and so surely as the clerk came in with the shovel, the master predicted that it would be necessary for them to part._ So, in other words, the bastard threatened to fire the clerk, Bob Cratchit, if he asks for coal, which is really mean, isn't it? I mean he's just going to freeze to death now!"

"Hermione!" Chicka hissed.

The audience, who had been looking questioningly at each other for the last few sentences, sighed in understanding.

Mr Weasley/Bob Cratchit sat at his counter, also terribly cold due to the broken air-conditioner. Suddenly, Harry waltzed in.

"A merry Christmas, _uncle_! God save you!" he cried. Secretly, he was thinking, 'May you perish in hell.'

"Bah!" said Snape/Scrooge. "Humbug!"

"Christmas a humbug, _uncle_!" Harry's teeth grated tensely at the word. "You don't mean that, I am sure." 'Oh, yes you do,' Harry thought.

"I do," Snape answered. "Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time… uh…. line?"

"What's Christmas time to you but a time for finding yourself a year older and not an hour richer," Chicka hissed.

"Ah right, yes." Snape turned back to the audience. He blinked. The line was too long to remember. "What was that line again?"

"What's Christmas time to you but a time for finding yourself a year older and not an hour richer," Chicka hissed.

Snape turned back and promptly forgot the line again. "Er, what was that?"

"What's Christmas time to you but a time for finding yourself a year older and not an hour richer!" Chicka yelled at Snape in frustration.

"Right," he turned back to the audience. "What she said." He jerked his thumb towards Chicka.

"I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time as a good time, a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time –" Harry began.

"Yeah, yeah, I get the picture. Can you shut your yap already and get out of here?" Snape asked.

"Wait, I haven't given you the invitation yet!" Harry said and flipped out the card. It read: _Playboy's Membership Card. _

"Oops, wrong one," Harry blushed and pulled out the other card. That one read: _We invite you to Fred and Clara's Christmas Party! Free drinks and pole dancing!_

"Ooh, pole dancing!" Arthur/Bob Cratchit said, looking interested. With a look from his wife who was watching backstage, he quickly said, "I mean, uh, that's very wrong! Very wrong indeed."

"What the?" Harry looked at the card more closely.

"Well, I think it's time to kick you out now," Snape said, grabbed Harry by sleeve, turned him around and kicked him in the butt out the door. In the process, he also invited the priest in.

"May God save your souls!" he cried.

"Hey, that's not in the script," Charmy said and consulted it. Funnily enough, she found "May God save your souls!" in the script. _Someone _must have altered it.

The priest continued, despite the stares that were saying, "What the hell?"

"I am the messenger of God! The messenger of light! And I have come to you for your redemption! For I see that all of you have sinned!"

"All right! It's true! I have sinned!" Harry cried and kneeled down at the priest's feet, bawling his eyes out. "I'm sorry for looking at those dirty magazines!"

"Er… ok then. Well it's good of you to confess your sins but I was talking about the black magic stuff."

"Oh." Harry quickly scrambled up to his feet. "That's old news."

"Yes, well it's evil! And you shouldn't follow it! And it's, erm… it's evil! It is the devil's way of luring you to hell! You are being led there by this horrible fiend!"

"What, me?" Harry asked as the priest pointed in his direction.

"Yes, you!" He turned and spoke to the audience. "Don't fall for his tricks! Stop following in his footsteps! For he is a demon who will lead you to your doom!"

The audience looked at Harry. He just looked like an ordinary boy to them. Suddenly, two red horns protruded out of his head.

"Cool! I want horns like that!" A little boy in the audience yelled.

"Aaaaaaaarrrrgghhh!" the priest screamed and ran out of the theatre.

"Did I do something?" Harry asked. His devil horns shrank back into his head.

"What are we gonna do about the priest?" Chicka asked.

"Way ahead of you," Charmy said, finished stuffing Draco into the billowing priest robes and shoved him on stage.

"Hi Mummy!" he yelled and started waving.

"Oh boy, couldn't you have gotten _anyone_ else to do that?" Chicka asked, her hand covering her eyes. "I can't watch this…"

"Well he was the only one willing, ok? Leave me alone," Charmy replied snappily.

Draco walked up to Snape. The robes were slipping off his shoulders. "Would you like to donate to the charity? It's what people with hearts do at Christmas."

Snape scowled at Draco. He shrank, making the robes slip further down his shoulders. Charmy whacked herself in the head for not thinking of putting a shirt on Draco underneath the robes, but there simply wasn't enough time – and she thought Draco would know how to put on a shirt. But she had been wrong – he needed his mother's help for that daunting task.

Snape said, "What for? They're all bums –"

"Hey!" a bum in the audience yelled.

"– Why should I give my money to some lazy bum who doesn't work, eh? Best to ship them all off to prison."

"Er…" Draco didn't know what his lines were. "I dunno. How much can I put you down for?"

"Nothing! Now get out of my office!" And with that Snape literally kicked Draco out the door. He landed right on top of Harry and they both got entangled in the giant tent that was the priest's robes.

"_God bless you merry gentleman! May nothing you dismay!"_ Seamus Finnegan sang horribly as he floundered up the street. Every window he passed shattered.

Snape grabbed a conveniently placed bucket of water and shoved it on Seamus' head. Except, due to the badly running air-conditioner it was no longer water. It was ice. Seamus dawdled out of there like a drunk. It wasn't the fact that he was singing a Christmas carol that peeved Snape off – it was the fact he sounded like a cat run over twenty times and then set on fire that peeved him off.

"_At length the hour of shutting up the counting-house arrived. With and ill-will Scrooge dismounted from his stool, and admitted the fact to the expectant clerk, who instantly snuffed his candle out, and put on his hat."_

"Weasley!" Snape hissed. Ron, Ginny and the Weasley twins turned around to look at him.

"No, not you lot! Arthur! Blow out your candle and put on your hat!"

"Oh right," Arthur quickly did as he was told.

"You'll want the whole day off then?" Snape asked.

"If convenient, yes," Arthur replied.

"It's not convenient or fair."

"But it's only once a year –"

"Bah! Humbug! But I suppose you must have the whole day. Be here all the earlier next morning!"

Arthur nodded and left. Snape stayed a little longer counting his money and then he too, left. He locked the office behind him and turned around.

"Aaaaarrrghhh! Ghost!" he screamed.

"Sir, it's just Harry and I," Draco said, his voice muffled by the robe. They still hadn't managed to untangle themselves from it.

"It's not what it looks like!" Harry yelled.

"Oh, right," Snape said and walked off. Hagrid and Seamus pulled at the ropes so the scene would change to Scrooge's room. Unfortunately, Hagrid was far stronger than Seamus and the side he was pulling flew up into the air. Then he went to the other side to help Seamus pull it up. Seamus didn't have the common sense to let it go and ended up clutching at it for dear life as he was hoisted above the stage. "Help!" he cried. No one paid any attention to him.

Snape walked up to his door and looked at it. He gasped. "That's horrible!" A badly done paper Mache mask stared back at him. Its nose fell off.

"Hey, I don't look like that!" Fred and George scoffed.

The mask slipped off the door and landed on Snape's foot. It was rather heavy – the craft people decided to use rocks to fill it up rather screwed up bits of newspaper. Therefore, it was understandable that he screamed, "OOOOOWWWWWW!"

"Well I guess that was one good thing about it," the Weasley twins murmured.

Snape, hopping on one foot, went inside. It was dark. Not to mention scary. He quickly changed into his pajamas when the clock struck midnight.

"Mysterious things happen at midnight," Hermione/the narrator said. "Cinderella lost her pretty shoe then. And I caught Draco and his girlfriend snogging then. But what would midnight bring Scrooge?"

"Oogley Boogley!"

"Aaahhh!" Snape/Scrooge screamed and turned around to face the horrible, scary, wetting-the-pants, terrifying – puppy dog.

"Huh?" Scrooge shrugged and was about to turn back around when a voice to the right of the dog said, "Why'd he stop screaming? Oh wait, I'm still invisible!"

Suddenly Marley, his deceased best friend appeared before Scrooge.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, even louder than before.

_"What in devil's blazes are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead!" _

_"Aren't you happy to see me?"_

_"Yes, but you have to stick to the rules! The dead don't just get up and talk, you're supposed to lie in your cold hard grave and rot! Not that I don't like you or anything..."_

_"Gee, you sound like Percy! All I wanted was to talk to you!"_

_"Isn't the traditional saying for a ghost 'Boo'?"_

_"Yeah, well I got tired of those clichés. There is no such thing as originality these days..."_

_"Yes, well, anyway, you're supposed to be dead!" Snape pulled out a dictionary. "The Oxford Dictionary defines dead as, 'lifeless and without luster, resonance, or warmth'. And you're doing the complete opposite!"_

_"So would you prefer it if I just dropped dead?"_

_"Er…well actually…"_

_"Besides, this argument is completely pointless. I'm not dead!"_

_"Yes you are."_

_"No I'm not!"_

_"Uh huh."_

_"Nuh uh."_

_"Look at this newspaper!" Snape threw at him._

_"Jacob Marley died__, saving a chimpanzee, from being murdered by Percy Weasley when it messed up his office. _He stabbed me to death with a quill." Fred looked up and said, "Well that makes perfect sense. _His entire estate and money went to his ever so wonderful brother, George_." He glanced at his twin, who grinned. "_He was buried in a ditch in a dress_? Who wrote this bloody script?"

He looked at all the crew behind the camera. Chicka and Charmy pointed at each other. "It was her!" they shouted. "Don't look at us! We didn't do anything! Look, someone else edited the script!"

They pointed madly at the script, which had red scribbles all over it. Nobody looked like they believed them.

"Oh come on! That's not my handwriting!" Charmy argued.

"Yeah, no one here writes like that, it looks like a five year old's writing," Chicka said. Fred looked at Ron.

"What? What? Stop looking at me like that! Just because I edited the script sligh – "Ron slapped his hand over his mouth.

"Aha!" Charmy and Chicka cried at the same time. "Stop blaming us for everything! It's probably Ron's fault!"

Ron stormed away, looking upset. Chicka ran off after him to convince cough yell at cough him to come back. Loud shouting was heard in the distance.

"Anyway I just came here to tell you something," Fred shouted over the din.

"What?"

"You know that nightcap on your head?"

"Yeah?"

"It's actually your old underwear."

"AAAAAAHHHH!" Snape screamed, threw it off his head and began vigorously stomping on it.

"Oh yeah, and there's something else I'm supposed to tell you."

"What's that?"

"The next three nights at midnight you're gonna be visited by three spirits so you'll stop being an old hag. Then you won't wind up like me." Fred gestured to his chains.

"Why did this happen to you?"

"Because my sin was looking at Playboy magazines – I mean, not caring about other people was my sin, yeah, that's right." Fred nodded vigorously. "Anyway, my time is nearly over, so don't forget! It's for your own benefit! See ya!" And with that Fred walked backwards, away from Snape, wiggling his fingers and making creepy noises. Unfortunately he walked right out the window. "AAAAAAAHHHH!" Splat!

"Whatever." With that, Snape shrugged and decided to go to sleep.

A/N: And that's that for that chapter! Chicka's writing the next one. Please send a review.

You might be interested to learn that readers can also participate in being in this fic as an audience member. Just send a review saying whether you're interested or not and possibly your gender (We don't want to call you something you're not!)


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, Director Dancer and Director Raven were once again late. "Did we have to stop for that accordion-playing bear?" Raven yelled at Dancer as they sprinted along the road.

"Yes! How many times in your life are you gonna see a bear playing the accordion?" Dancer protested.

"It'll be there tomorrow! And the next day, and the day after that!"

"Well you still stopped!"

Raven cast a sarcastic glare at Dancer as they turned they corner and entered the theatre. "That was because you were clutching my arm so tight! They are gonna be SO mad at us!" she gasped.

They skidded to a halt inside the theatre. The guys were all huddled around in a big circle. "What are they doing? Don't they even care!" Dancer panted, catching her breath.

"Apparently not. Why do we even bother?" Raven sighed.

Meanwhile, the guys were involved in a game of truth or dare, and had not even noticed the directors enter the theatre. It was Draco's turn. "Truth!" he cried.

"Hmm, ok…." Harry considered for a moment. "If you could go out with one of the directors, who would it be?"

"Dancer!" he said without a moment's hesitation.

"WHAT!" Dancer screamed. All the guys turned around to find her standing there, staring at them with a mixture of shock, horror and anger in her eyes.

"Come on, baby, you know you want to!" Draco insisted.

"Um, no I don't! Get lost you loser!" Dancer cried.

"Oh, come on!" Draco pleaded. "No!" Dancer slapped him. _She must really love me!_ Draco thought, and began chasing her around the stage, trying to hug her.

"I really should be helping her… But this is so entertaining!" After five minutes of it though, Raven decided to intervene. "Right! Let's get onto it, shall we?"

They spent the rest of the day rehearsing, and finally it was time for part two of the play to start.

The curtains drew back, and Hermione began to narrate:

"When Scrooge awoke, it was so dark that he could scarcely distinguish the transparent window from the opaque wall of his room. He remembered Marley's Ghost, and it bothered him exceedingly."

Fred sat by Snape on the stage and poked him repeatedly, saying, "Bother, bother bother…"

"Stop it, you idiot, that's not what it means!" Snape hissed at Fred.

"Are you sure? Because…"

"Yes, I'm sure!" Snape yelled.

"Ok…sorry, carry on Hermione…" Fred ran off the stage.

"Thank you. Every time he had resolved within himself that it was all a dream, his mind flew back, like a strong spring released, to the first position, and presented the same problem to be sorted through again:"

"Was it a dream or not?" Snape cried dramatically, clutching his head. A small child in the audience burst into tears.

"Scrooge lay in this state until, on a sudden he remembered that the ghost had warned him of a visitation when the bell tolled one. He resolved to lie awake until the hour passed, and considering that he could no more go to sleep than go to Heaven, this was perhaps the wisest resolution in his power. So basically he remembered that Marley's ghost told him that another ghost was gonna visit him at one in the morning, which is really rather rude, isn't it? So anyway, he decided to stay awake till then, because he couldn't sleep anyway."

Snape lay in the bed onstage, looking rather bored. Raven pressed the play button on her stereo and the CD of bell chimes began to play. It chimed two.

"What? Isn't it supposed to be one?" Snape said.

"Oh, yeah, sorry, wrong track," Raven pressed the next button and one bell chimed.

"The hour…and nothing more," Snape/Scrooge said, looking around the 'bedroom'.

Suddenly a flash of light came from one side of the stage, and Ron was shoved on while the audience recovered from the temporary blindness.

"Scrooge found himself face to face with the unearthly visitor."

Ron was standing about three feet away from Snape. He looked around at the directors, who signaled for him to go closer. He didn't want to catch Snape's cooties. "It was a strange figure, like a child, but yet not so like a child as an old man."

"Are you calling me old?" Ron asked.

"No, now get on with the play!" Dancer hissed.

"Are you the spirit whose coming was foretold to me?"

Snape recited.

"No, what are you talking about?" Ron said, looking bewildered.

"What? But…"

"Nah, just playing with you! I am the spirit."

"Who and what are you?" Snape asked.

"I am the ghost of…wait, what am I the ghost of again?" Ron looked behind him at the directors. They both rolled their eyes and said, "Christmas Past!"

"Yeah, that's right! I am the ghost of Christmas past," Ron said, turning back to Snape.

"What business has brought you here?" Snape inquired.

"Your welfare," Ron replied, after a hasty look at the directors, who were giving him death glares for forgetting the lines.

"But surely a night's unbroken rest would be more conducive in the end?" Snape said.

Hermione was quick to translate for the confused audience: "He means: wouldn't it be better to let him sleep than wake him up in the middle of the night?"

"Right, right, whatever," said Ron. "Your salvation then. Take heed, rise, and fly with me!"

Snape looked dubious. "But I am mortal, and liable to fall!"

"No, you dork, you're a wizard, now come on, let's get a move on, we've wasted most of my hour already!" Ron said impatiently, and pulled Snape out of the bed and towards the window.

They both went to leap out, but Ron missed and hit the wall instead.

"It's not fair!" he cried, sliding down the wall, "All the other ghosts can float through walls! But me? Oh no! It's never me! Never!"

He began crying. Snape flew back in the window on his cough not really there cough broomstick and pulled Ron out with him.

As they flew through the sky, Snape saw a blinding light on the horizon. "Spirit, what is that? It cannot be dawn."

"No, it's the past, you idiot! Can't you tell? It's completely different from dawn. See, dawn has these little purple-y bits in it, and you can obviously see that there are NO purple-y bits in that." Ron tutted as if everybody knew this.

Snape stared incredulously at him.

As they neared the 'past' the ground came rushing up to meet them as Snape, blinded by the absolutely non-purple-y light, lost control of the broom. Screaming, they crashed in a heap.

Raven signaled Hermione to start narrating while Snape and Ron disentangled themselves.

"Scrooge and the Spirit stood upon an open country road, with fields on either hand. The city had vanished. The darkness and mist had vanished with it, for it was a clear, cold winter's day, with snow upon the ground."

The set was quickly changed and Ron and Snape were standing on a white sheet with fake trees on both sides of them, and a scale model of Hogwarts at the other side of the stage.

"Good hell!" Snape cried. The priest, who had just gotten over last night's disaster, shrieked and ran for the hills.

"It's 'Good Heaven'!" Dancer hissed.

"Good Heaven!" Snape repeated. "I was a boy here."

"These are but shadows of your past. They cannot see or hear us." Ron said.

_Oh no! That means they can still smell us!_ Snape thought despairingly.

They entered Hogwarts to find Draco sitting at a table wearing a black wig. Standing next to him was Dumbledore, looking very pleased with himself.

"What do you think, Severus? Great role for me isn't it?" he asked.

"You're not supposed to see him!" Raven murmured.

"What? Oh right," he turned to Draco.

"I cannot see anyone standing over there where Severus is. Can you?"

Raven slapped her forehead with her hand. "Get on with it!" Dancer whispered from beside her.

"It was Christmastime, and everyone had left for the holidays, except for one little boy, Ebenezer Scrooge .He was receiving some last minute advice on life from his headmaster." Hermione read.

"Keep your nose to the grindstone! Work hard, and one day your career will be as solid as this very building!" Dumbledore slammed his hand against a wall to prove his point, and a shelf fell off. "Well, um, certainly as steady as this wall…" he hit the next one and the whole thing fell down. "Well, you get the point." Dumbledore grumbled.

"Yes Professor," Draco said obediently.

"Of all the people they could have had to play me…"Snape was muttering.

"Let us move outside," Ron said, pulling Snape with him.

The second Snape stepped outside; a snowball hit him in the back of the head. "Ouch! Help! We're under attack!" Snape cried and ducked down, covering his head.

"Poor Snivellus!" a voice said. Snape was astonished. "No…it can't be…"

"Oh yes, it's us!" James and Sirius's voices chorused.

The audience cheered, glad that finally someone good had come into the play.

"But I thought the ghosts of the past couldn't see us!" Snape wailed.

"Well they can't, but we're ghosts from the future!" James cackled and levitated Snape upside down.

"Help! Weasley, do something!" Ron took Snape's hand grudgingly and dragged him down.

"Oh you just spoil all the fun!" James said, and trudged back to Hogwarts. He reached for the door handle.

"You dummy! You're a ghost, you can go through doors!" Sirius said.

"I know that, I've always been able to go through doors!" James protested, opening the door and demonstrating this.

"Not like that, you idiot! Like this!" Sirius yelled, and walked right through the wall.

"Oh," James looked down disappointedly. 'You win."

"YES! Go me!" Sirius cried.

"Um, let us leave this place now…" Ron mumbled.

There was another flash of light and a quick scene change, and they were now in a large hall with lots of people around.

"I was apprenticed here!" Snape said.

"Yes, I know that, that's why I brought you here!" Ron sighed angrily.

But Snape was not paying attention, for he had spotted Professor Flitwick, acting as Fezziwig, Scrooge's old employer, desperately jumping around trying to gain the attention of the past Scrooge.

"Hello! Down here! Look! No, not over there! Down, down! Dammit, what I would give for some stilts!" Flitwick was crying. Finally the young Scrooge spotted him.

"Ah, Mr. Fezziwig, what is it?" he asked, bending down so he was eye level with the tiny man.

"You seem to be awfully lonely over here! Come, there is someone I want you to meet," Flitwick said, grabbing young Scrooge's leg and dragging him after him.

Young Scrooge, surprised, tripped over and fell flat on his face. When he righted himself, he was face to face with a beautiful, young Professor McGonagall.

"Scrooge remembered this meeting well," Hermione read.

"I remember this meeting well!" Snape exclaimed. He and Ron watched as Flitwick introduced the Professor to Scrooge.

All seemed to be going well, when suddenly, Professor McGonagall's features began to ripple and change.

"Oh no! The youth potion!" McGonagall cried. Raven ran around backstage, shouting for someone to find some more. "Come on! Move your backsides and get me some more potion! NOW!"

The audience sat, confused and regretting paying the entrance fee. A few people got up and left, yelling obscenities at the directors.

'Wait! Don't leave!" Dancer wailed. She ran onto the stage and began pulling off all her best moves, turns, leaps, handstands and cartwheels in a last attempt to keep the remaining audience members in their seats.

"Finish the scene!" Raven yelled to the actors.

Dancer quickly pranced offstage.

"Spirit, show me no more!" Snape cried. "Haunt me no longer!"

"I told you these are the shadows of things that have been! They are what they are, do not blame me!" Ron said. "As the bell tolls two, you will be visited by another! My time is up! Farewell!"

He and Snape left the stage, and Raven hurriedly had the curtain pulled down by Hagrid and Seamus.

"That was a disaster!" Dancer cried, sinking to the ground.

Raven turned to McGonagall. "What happened! I told you to check that there was enough potion left to do the play!"

"No you didn't," McGonagall replied.

"Yes, I did! This morning! I said: check that you have enough potion left to do the play tonight!" Raven ranted.

"That never happened!" McGonagall yelled.

"She's right, it didn't," Dancer pointed out.

"Whose side are you on here?" Raven shrieked.

The cast decided to leave the two directors to yell at each other, and returned to Hogwarts, avoiding the angry patrons.


End file.
